Sunday, May 31, 2015

The American Dream

Elvin Perelli walked out the front door to look at his new car. Elvin was very proud of his investment; a bright, shiny Lexus with a leather interior... with a lease that in about a year-and-a-half he wouldn't be able to afford. But for now, he was happy with his life: new house, new car, new wife, and twins on the way. A two-car garage was his boyhood dream. And he was in the “business” -- location manager for the hit Saturday morning kids' show “Fillmore High School, U.S.A.”. Now he had it all.

Things change. People change. But 250 pounds is a lot for a 5-foot-4 Jewish schmuck from Encino to carry around. At 45, his doctor told him to lose about 100 pounds and quit smoking, or he only had about six months of quality life to look forward to.

“How about a triple bypass, emphysema, lung cancer, and an aneurysm -- most likely resulting in a coma,” said Dr. Sanderson, the cardiologist.

“Sure. That's easy for you to say. You're making six hundred dollars an hour,” said Elvin.

“In my professional opinion, money has nothing to do with it,” the doctor replied.

“Stick the money up your ass. And your 2008 Jaguar XKR Convertible, too,” said the fat man.

“Take two aspirin, and call me in three months,” came the reply.

Back on the home front, Melissa was baking cookies and whistling “The Sound of Music”, while Jerry Springer was scolding a guest in the background. The sounds of children playing next door gave the happy housewife a sense of community. Ten years younger than her husband, she was just happy to be married. Her looks left a little to be desired, if you get the picture, and she wasn't a hundred percent upstairs. But she got her man, Elvin Perelli, all 250 pounds of him. And she wanted to have those cookies ready when he arrived... which would be any minute.

Guess what? A brand new Lexus just pulled into the driveway, screeching to a halt. Mrs. Perelli looked out the window and saw Elvin squeeze out of the driver side. She smiled. She was living the American dream.


  1. Obesity and smoking are the leading cause of death in America. On the other hand, if everyone lived healthy, the average lifespan would go up, and social security and medicare financially would be in worse shape than they are now. Not to mention Obamacare, which is an important but massively expensive program.

  2. Very entertaining. This should be an HBO drama or something, maybe a dramedy... The way things are going, it could be an American Horror story.

  3. Great short story! It seems so real, it's hard to believe it's fiction... or is it?

  4. When you have to deal with medical issues, it's an American Nightmare. Obamacare still has some kinks to work out. Most of America is fat or unfit, and this is probably the first time in history that the average lifespan is going down. No amount of medical technology and advances can make up for how unhealthy this country is.

    That being said, I really enjoy a good story. This is amusing. Let's have more entertainment, and less politics. I'm getting bored with politics. This strikes a chord and is relevant with what's going on... So a little politics hidden in what looks on the face of it like a fun slice of life, but is really much darker on closer look.

    1. You should be on Twitter and reading Paul's one liner political jokes....god, they're funny!

  5. I envy Elvin. His wife was baking him cookies.

  6. You are a gifted writer. Bet that's not the first time you've heard that, & won't be the last.

  7. Great story... I'd like to hear more.

  8. What kind of an ending is that? Get back here and finish it, I want more! :)